


Should Have Known

by ruby666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Cutting, F/M, Falling In Love, Hotels, Impala, Love, Near Death, POV Dean Winchester, Recovery, Self-Harm, Soulless Sam Winchester, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-01 21:25:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5221355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruby666/pseuds/ruby666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lilia has been working with the Winchesters for years, helping them and hunting down her family’s killers at the same time. Lilia and dean get a lead on the killers and they go out alone without Sam. But Lilia jumps the gun and gets hurt, leaving dean to bandage her up. When he removes her clothes to patch her up he makes a shocking and heart breaking discovery.<br/>(OC and dean, starts out as friendship and grows into more. very fluffy/sappy TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, mentions of suicide.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> once again. trigger warning, selfharm. btw i do not own the characters or the show. well i do own lilia.

Vampires, everywhere. Dean hated the damn things due to his history with them. Lilia hatted them even more though. She never told Dean why she hated them so much, he only knew her rage helped her fight better, if not better maybe a little reckless.  
They were parked in his impala outside the warehouse waiting to strike. The sun was sinking and the vamps were rising. Soon it would be stake and bake time. With each passing minute Dean watched Lilia grow more fidgety. It was always the same when it came to vampires.  
“Can’t we just go in now?” she whispered. She was tapping her foot knocking her knee up and down, the buckles on her combat boot clanking. Clearly she was ready to go. Her dark brown hair was pulled back in a slick ponytail; she wore her basic hunting gear and all her weapons. She was perfectly ready to go but the time wasn’t right.  
Dean chuckled; she was always different when it came to hunting vampires. She was rearing to go, made no hesitations. Sometimes that was her fault. “Nuh-uh babe, stick to the plan.” The plan he knew she probably wouldn’t follow as soon as she got inside.  
She crossed her arms over her chest sharpening her blue eyed gaze on the setting sun. She hated it when he treated her like a little girl. Lilia was capable of handling herself; she had been for several years before they came along. She also didn’t like how he called her, and every other woman on the earth, babe. It made her feel like just any other girl to him. Not that she cared if he thought of her in a special way. She grew more agitated by her thoughts and started strumming her fingers on her arm.  
This caused Lilia's mind wandered to other things, the other men in her life who ruined her. All the ones who said they could help her, but didn’t. The evil monsters under her bed who were real. The images came in, all the blood and pain. Soon after, the memory of her parent’s death when she was twelve came flooding in. Her heart felt heavy, she felt the common feeling of despair sinking in. Many things she hadn’t felt in years were swarming around her head like a black cloud. Things that helped her ruin herself, things that killed her inside and out. All the things she swore never to feel again.  
Dean watched her carefully from the other side of the car, silently taking note of all the little changes that were happening to her. He saw her feet stopped tapping. Her chest rose and fell sharply. Small trails of sweat trickled down her chest to between her breasts. Her ocean blue eyes widened as she stared off into the distance. Something in the last five minutes had sure changed. Dean knew it had something to do with vampires, but he felt too awkward to ask. He could hardly handle Sam how could he handle Lilia?  
His eyes wondered back to her face and saw the sweat beading on her forehead. It was a blasted hot summer day but this sweat was clearly something else. He took a look at her hunting attire, and he actually took note of something. She always wore long black pants, high boots for her knives and a long sleeve shirt paired with jacket. Even in the summer. No one was crazy enough to wear that many layers. Dean was in just jeans and t-shirt it was so hot, his shirt smelt of salt from his sweating all day. Sam had made a few remarks about her attire once and she got really, really, angry and took off for a few days. He wasn’t one for fashion but he knew always wearing long sleeves meant something; he just couldn’t put his finger on it.  
“Fuck it,” her tensed voice broke his thoughts.  
“Babe-” his protests were too late. She was out of the car running to the door, her ponytail swishing, as she pulled out her favorite knives from her thigh straps. “Dammit Lie.”  
Dean grabbed his gun and ran after her, trying to keep his steps as silent as hers. He followed her around the building silently cursing under his breath. She saw him and waited by the door for him. When he slid down the wall to her he saw that fire burning in her eyes, the fire reserved for vampires. She raised her elbow, about to break the glass window on the door. Before she could, Dean gripped her arm, harshly, forcing her to look at him. “When this is over, we are having a talk Lie.”  
Lilia was a bit taken aback at first. He only used her nickname if things were bad or when he was angry. He was probably going to tell her off, kick her out of the gang. She had wondered off on hunts lately, not sticking to the plan or doing her own thing. They were always angry when she did that but always forgave her. But they probably had had enough and this was it. Just the thought of that set her off even more. She snarled ripping her arm out of his grip before bringing her elbow down on the glass, shattering it. Dean rolled his eyes knowing that she had already forgotten the plan. She reached through cutting her sleeve on a piece of glass, it didn’t register to her. Nothing did for the next hour.  
It was all slice and dice. Chop after chop she never backed down. Her clothes became soaked with blood, just the way it was many long years ago. She fought relentlessly, mercilessly. Nothing stood in her way from getting what she wanted, the inhalation of all vampires. She killed the most, as usual, when it came to vampire.  
Dean had watched on with pride as she slayed vampire after vampire. He probably didn’t even need to be there. He could have kicked back in a chair, drank a beer and simply watched as she ducked under a blade while shoving a stake into the monster. He would have enjoyed the show too. Her movements were solid and graceful. She grunted and yelled as she slayed on, body after body fell behind her, it was a dance he liked to see. She was covered in blood, weather it was hers or not he didn’t know. He saw a vamp grip the back of her jacket and pull, it went torn to shreds. She screamed saying that was her favorite jacket. Dean laughed a little while putting a bullet in the vamps head. She didn’t notice, she still sliced its head off. Dean deemed her good enough to be left alone and went to the basement in search of the main guy.  
A good time later and they were all dead, even the head honcho of this nest… the one Dean wanted alive. This is why I don’t bring her on these mission, he though as he climbed the rickety stairs. He wouldn’t have brought her if Sam wasn’t holed up in the safe room. Then again, because his brother doesn’t feel he probably would have killed the leader too.  
Dean got on the floor level and started pushing bodies into a pile. Lilia was probably upstairs carving 666 in the bodies for all he knew. He reached for one dragged it by the feet a little then froze. It wasn’t a vampire. It was a whimpering Lilia. She laid on her side her knives not too far from her bloodied clenched hands. She was covered in blood; her eyelids were speckled in it. Most this blood was hers.  
“Oh no, not today babe. Don’t you even think about it.” Dean rolled her over onto her back and placed his finger under her jaw searching for a pulse. He found one, thank God or whoever. He peeled her lips form her teeth looking for blood, he found none, she was still human and would remain that way. Her eyes were still closed and her breaths were faint and silent broken with the occasional whine.  
“Lie, if you so much as go in the other room for a second…” he searched for a wound and found several claw marks. Her wrist, her stomach and from her left knee to her hip were all torn to shreds and bleeding.  
“Shit, Lilia, dammit.” Dean cursed repeatedly as he picked her up. She felt ten times heaver and was limp in his arms. Blood seeped through his cloths and he felt the hot liquid fall down his stomach as he ran out of the warehouse and to the impala. He laid her down on the ground behind the trunk before searching for the first aid kit. He had done this kind of stuff on Sam but never Lilia, she was always conscious enough to do it herself.  
How could this happen to her though. She was always so much better at hunting vamps, this couldn’t happen to her. She gets reckless and careless sometimes but it never gets this bad. He examined her ripped shirt and ripped flesh and decided the shirt was long gone. He gripped it and tugged. The black fabric fell in shreds in his fingers, exposing her scared pale flesh and black bra. His first thought, she’s beautiful. His second, were did those scars come from because they sure as hell weren’t from hunting. Her stomach was littered with white or light red scars, ranging from long and smooth to short and jagged. They stopped just below her bra, they were more scattered the higher up too.  
He ignored the scars for now he would ask about them later. Quickly Dean pulled out the needle and thread, this needed to be done know or good bye little Lilia. Bobby would kill him if Sam didn’t beat him too it. “Cas you better be on standby.” Dean bit the thread as he tied it to the needle.  
In the tail lights of a hot summer night Dean sewed up his friend. She made no movement; no facile expressions of pain, just nothing, the whole time. Her whimpers had stopped before he started patching her up, she must have fallen into the dark. He murmured encouraging words as he pierced her skin and grimaced at each tug of the thread. He didn’t know why but it felt different patching her up then himself or Sam. With each stitch his fingers touched her bumped skin and he glared at each scar that marked her smooth skin. Once he was done with her stomach he moved to the better, not so bad, scratches on her wrist and saw even more white lines on her skin, all nice and parallel. His mind started turning making connections as he tugged the needle through her rugged skin. When he was done there he tugged her jeans down and worked on her thigh. He sucked in a deep breath as he saw her thigh. Her thigh was the same as her stomach and wrist. He pulled off her jeans and boots completely, leaving her in her bra and underwear.  
He stumbled back as he looked down on her half dead and practically naked body. It all clicked then. The scars, the clothes. Dean felt a part of him die. He couldn’t protect his baby girl. She had done this to herself and he hadn’t been there. No one was there. He sewed the rest of her up quick. He didn’t want to see them. He thought of her no less beautiful, he saw her as even more brave though. He just didn’t want to see them and think he could have stopped this. She must have suffered something far worse than he thought when they first found her. She was here though, and he would keep her that way. He noticed there were no new lines. They were all white and healed over. Clearly it must have been a few months. She was better, right?  
As Dean wrapped her limbs in thick white gauze water droplets fell on her skin. He looked up expecting rain clouds. Instead he felt the breeze on his cheeks that burned hot from tears. He was crying, something he didn’t know he was still capable of. He cared for her, a lot.  
Did the others know about this? He was tempted to call Bobby but thought better of it. This was her secret, he wasn’t supposed to know. Even though they were healed she still hid them. She probably had intentions of showing them one day when she was good and ready.  
He pulled out a flannel shirt from the trunk; no doubt it was Sam’s judging by the size. He put her in the shirt being mindful of her wounds. She was much more fragile then he thought. He got a blanket from the back and snuggly wrapped her in it. She appeared to be made of steel, more like porcelain with a good paint job. With her safely tucked away, Dean finally relaxed against a back tire with her wrapped in his blood covered arms pressed against his damp chest.  
Her breath was ice cold and faint. She felt like a dead weight in his arms. The dead always felt heavier. She wasn’t dead, not yet.  
“Come on sunshine,” he growled in her ear. He’d be dammed again if he let her die after so much she’s survived. “Not yet baby girl, not yet.” Dean rocked her slowly; he was comforting himself more than her.  
Another half hour went by and her breaths were rare and few. Dean knew this was it. He’d seen his brother die enough times to know that. So Dean turned to the heavens. “Hey Cas, do you mind coming down here and pulling a lifesaver on Lie?”  
“Of course not,” the angle was crouched right in front of the pair already reaching his finger forward to her forehead. No matter how times he pulled his magic reappearing card trick Dean would never be ready for it. He touched her with two fingers and instantly her breaths became warmer and deeper. The angles face was mournful and sad. Perhaps he knew of the scars, he probably did. Dean closed his eyes and let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. When he opened them Cas was already gone. And the building was on fire with all the vampire carcasses inside. Damn that angle and his great power. Dean shuffled himself up of the ground with her now weightless body in his arms. Soon she would be awake and walking again. Then he would buy her a beer, several, a whole goddamn bar.  
He buckled her in and placed a kiss on her forehead. He always did that when she was prissy, but now it had a whole different meaning to him. He stayed crouched in the open door of the car just watching her. He ran his thumb over her forehead enjoying the feeling of life returning to her in warmth. Finally he stepped back and closed the door. Dean finished packing up the car and washed his hands with a water bottle. As he went to close the trunk he saw her knives were clean and sheathed the ones he left in the building. He smiled shaking his head up at the dark early morning sky.  
What a horrible night it’s been.


	2. Part 2

The older Winchester got in the impala and turned the radio to a classical music station he knew she liked. He played it softly and placed his hand on her ankle as he drove. She was curled up on her side sleeping peacefully and alive, no thanks to him. He drove into the morning with no destination in plan. He wanted to talk with her, to see if she even wanted to return to the bunker.   
As dawn broke the horizon she stirred. She stretched her feet out shoving them on his chest. She yawned loudly reaching her hands up and pressing them on the car ceiling. Dean couldn’t help but smile at her waking form. She retracted back into the blanket tugging the flannel sleeve over her palms clutching the fabric as she nestled back down. He slowly pulled the car over to the side of the dirt road counting down from ten in his head. He knew it was only a moment of time before she realized she was practically naked and wrapped in a blanket.   
Sure enough as soon as he put the car in park she bolted up right, four seconds. Her hair dark hair was tousled over her shoulder as she looked around franticly. Her big blue eyes looked so frightened. She glanced at her arms and lifted the blanket to see her thighs.   
Her breathing was heavy and deep, “Dean…”  
“I saw them. All of them,” he said simply as he shut off the radio.  
“How-”  
“I left you alone because I thought you could handle them, all of them, apparently not.” To him when he said all it had a double meaning. All the monsters. Even her personal ones he couldn’t save her from. He reached in the back seat for the cooler full of food and beer, “I found you covered in blood, your blood on the floor.” He got two beers and offered one to her. She didn’t reach out to take it. She was frozen staring at him clutching the blanket to her chest. Dean thought she looked like a cute stunned deer. He cursed his head for thinking such things at a time like this.  
He would say, ‘it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before,’ but this was a time he needed to be serious. “You were clawed up beyond belief so I went and patched you up. It was so bad I had to strip you then… I saw them. I fixed you up, put you in Sam’s shirt, wrapped you in a blanket and pleaded with death.” A slow tear trickled down her pale face. He wanted to know what she was thinking. He hoped it was nothing that caused her to hurt herself. “It got to the point I had to call Cas down.”  
She sucked in a sharp breath at that. If not for Castiel she would have been dead. She opened her mouth to speak but Dean beat her to it, again.  
“I don’t care what happened back then as long as it doesn’t bother you anymore. I wish I was there and I'm sorry we’ve never talked about feelings, but we both know that’s not my style so I'm sorry.” Dean once again offered the beer to her and she slowly took it, their fingers touched and Dean swore he felt a spark. Maybe it was just angle magic left over from last night.  
“I also want you to know that I think you’re beautiful. With or without your scars, your no less beautiful then you were the first day I met you.” He saw her blush and promised himself to tell her that more often. “One more thing, I won’t tell anyone. It’s your story to tell, not mine.”  
She popped off the lid from her beer and chugged a lot of it, some dribbled down her chin and to her collarbone. Dean mentally cursed. Soon they were going to have another feelings talk but it would be about his.  
“You ever wonder why I get crazy with vampires?” she asked softly as she swirled her finger around the lid of her drink.  
“Always princess,” he saw her scowl at him a little. She hated all his pet names but deep down she kind of liked them.  
“They slaughtered my family when I was twelve. So I spent my whole life hunting them and learning from Bobby.” She drank down the rest of her beer and reached out motioning for Dean to hand his over.  
He grinned widely and handed it over, “I see, same anger that fuels about, hmm, every other hunter.”  
She drank from his beer bottle, “It’s partially to do with why I... you know. But I was doing it even before then.” Her face was even paler but there were no more tears to join the first and only one she shed. “If you don’t mind Dean, I don’t want to explain it all right now.”  
Dean surprised them both by reaching out ad taking her hand. He laced his callused fingers through her thin soft ones, “I’m always here, so is Sam even though he’s soulless. But someday I would like to know what monsters hurt you so that I can protect you from them.”  
He ran his thumb over her knuckles. He felt her pulse quicken at his touch. This woman was going to ruin him.   
“I can protect myself,” she smiled slightly. He saw how dull her eyes were. She was thinking of something that had happened.   
“I know you can, but I’d like to protect you too,” he didn’t know how to deal with this kind of thing; this was more Bobbies’ expertise. Suddenly an idea hit him.  
“Hey Lilia?” Dean rubbed her upper arms with his hands. This stirred her from her thoughts.  
“Hmm?”   
“You’re always begging to drive my baby-”  
“Yes,” she blurted out a glint in her eye. She was already pushing open the car door and untangling herself from the blankets.   
“Oh boy.” Dean scooted over and watched her round the car in nothing but Sam’s long shirt halfway down her thighs. God she was beautiful. Suddenly Dean was jealous of Sam’s shirt. He would give her his shirt later.  
She got in and turned the key. He could tell she was slightly tipsy, she had always been a light weight, but he didn’t care. If she drove them off a cliff he would go happily. She turned the key and giggled excitedly and fist bumped the air. Lilia slammed the pedal and they sped off, fast food bags flying off the dash into the back seat. She was smiling and laughing as she drove up and down the road way over the speed limit and fish tailing. She ignored all of Dean’s cries of protest. She let go of the wheel and stuck her head out the window yelling into the sky. Something along the lines of, ‘Bless you Castiel.’  
If putting his impala’s life at risk was what it took to see his baby girl so happy, he would risk it every day. Anything to see his baby girl like this, carefree, beautiful, so happy and grinning like everything was right in the world. For this small stretch of road and time, everything was right in the world. Until Cas suddenly showed up in the back seat with a White Castle bag and a grin directed at Dean, who was staring at Lillias ass as she hung out of the car going eighty. Dean mouthed a thank you and Cas simply nodded, set the food bag down and whisked himself away before Lilia noticed he was even there. Then it was back to perfect.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: This is a sappy part, blah, I don’t like it much. Unedited. 

 

Lilia stood naked in front of the grimy fogged hotel mirror staring at her skin. Her scars remained, from the angle magic, all the self-harm ones anyway, but all the other ones from hunting injuries were gone. Dean had told her where she was clawed up but she saw nothing there. No sign she was ever near death. Dean had also told her when Castiel pulled him out he was scar less. She may not have been ripped from hell but he still removed her scars, just not all of them. So why did he leave these behind?  
She ran her hands over her stomach cringing at each freshly red, from the shower, raised bump. There were so many, too many, and all her stomach was, was rigged terrain. Why couldn’t he take these too? She whined in her head. She knew she would have to live with them forever but the idea of them gone made her hope.  
Lilia was disgusted with herself. She felt the urge to throw up. She was hideous, a mess and piece of shattered darkness. When she had started all she had though was yes, God yes, make it go away. Each time she tore at her flesh she got high on endorphins. She was at peace with the trickles of blood. At first it was alright, nothing serious. Then after her parent’s death, it was a whole different meaning to her. There were more lacerations, more blood, less food, more pain. Her whole high school life was dedicated to researching vampires and destroying herself. Once she graduated it didn’t stop. She tried hunting. She looked into it; got weapons bought a car, changed her name and disappeared. She hunted on her own for a few years but she wasn’t that good at it on her own and rarely killed anything.  
She was angry at everything, going through life turning into the monsters she hated. And she saw that, she saw what she had become when one day she almost killed a human. That poor little boy she had placed a target on. But she was wrong. As he had drank the holly water she was about to pull the trigger but he was not a monster, he was human. Lilia had nearly screamed at the realization she had almost killed a human, a little boy for God’s sake. That was the day she stopped. She realized her anger and self-destruction clouded her mind. She needed to stop and she needed help. So she packed her things and left never looking back. She had headed out of town in search of the man named Bobby.  
Lilia was twenty one when she stopped. Her body was littered with ten years of misery. Silent tears slipped down her face as she stared at her ruined flesh in the mirror. Dean said she was beautiful, she didn’t believe it. She turned away from the mirror, refusing to look at herself anymore. How could he stand to look at her when she couldn’t even look at herself?  
She braided her still damp hair to the side then dressed herself. She didn’t bring many clothes with her on the hunt just a few jeans and a shirt. Her only shirt had been torn up and covered in blood so Dean had let her borrow Sam’s. But when she got out of the shower that shirt was gone. In its place was a grey long sleeve cotton shirt with her other pair of black jeans. She slipped on the clothes letting silent tears flow. The cotton shirt was so soft and it went past her palms, which was a great comfort to her. Once dressed she stood in front of the mirror again. She was fully covered and felt much better. She swiped the tears away before opening the door and stepping out.  
Across from the door, on the wall, leaned an angry Dean with arms crossed and tilted chin. “You were in there a long time.” His voice was strong and questioning. Lilia looked away from him stuffing her hands in her pockets. She shrugged and turned away from him going to sit on her bed. He followed her and sat down next to her. “You okay baby?” this time his voice was soft and gentle.  
Lilia gave him the cold shoulder turning away from him and fiddling with the hem of the shirt. She had always tried not to break in front of the boys. She never wanted them knowing. If they knew they would treat her differently. Sam would give her puppy eyes, if he had a soul. Dean would probably be angry all the time and do his clenched jaw thing when he would look at her. She didn’t want anything to change. Well it was too late. Things had already changed.  
She was not talking to him. She hadn’t for a while. As soon as they booked a hotel room she had turned into this silent little creature. She had dropped her bag and ran for the bathroom. He had unpacked his stuff then her stuff while she showered. As he came across her knives he didn’t know what to do with them. Should he hide them from her or not interfere. Did sharp objects set her off? He had no idea how to go about this so he simply buried them under his clothes in a drawer. If she wanted them she would have to ask.  
Suddenly he remembered that when she got out of the shower she was going to put Sam’s shirt on. Couldn’t have that now could we, he though. So Dean rummaged through his small amount of clothes looking for a long sleeve shirt. He knew she wouldn’t walk out of that room wearing a short sleeve just suddenly being okay with everything. He found one of her jeans and folded the clothes before silently creeping into the bathroom. He had put them on the toilet then left. He wouldn’t look at her naked body unless she want him too, even though he had the urge to peak. He waited lying down on his bed, for what felt like hours, images of her either naked or covered in bloody wounds. Neither of them fit well and the amount of time she was in the shower was starting to bother him. So he got up and leaned on the all opposite of the door tapping his foot impatiently.  
She wouldn’t be… doing anything would she? He thought of just ripping the door open to see if she was okay but the silencing of the water let him know she was still in there. After a few more minutes he considered opening the door again but she had beaten him to it. Her doe eyes wouldn’t even look at him and he felt like a piece of shit for judging her.  
Now they were sitting on her bed and she still wasn’t talking to him. He never understood women well and he could hardly decipher this one any better. She wasn’t like other women though. She was fierce, she was up for anything. She was there for him when he drunk himself half to death. She put up with Sam’s crap. But she was fragile, and sometimes she cracked but tried to hide it. Not anymore.  
“Lie…” he was trying to be gentle about this. He wanted her to tell him everything and be comforted by him. But he wanted to grip her shoulders and shake her till she spilled everything. Then he would seek out everything that made her miserable and destroy it.  
“I’m fine Dean, just leave me alone.” Lies, he though. She turned even more away from him and crossed her arms. She was being stubborn. She had always been like that and Dean liked that about her.  
“Lilia-”  
“Stop. You saw, you know, so leave me alone.” Her voice quivered at her last few words. Dean felt his chest clench. He was about to say something more when he saw her shoulders shaking. Was she crying? A sob erupted from her and she hunched over rocking her heels.  
His baby girl was crying. This was the first time he had ever really seen her cry. She occasionally shed a few tears but nothing more. This was full on, heart string tugging, sobbing over a dead body, crying.  
Dean leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. He leaned his chest on her back and held her as she sobbed. He placed his face on her back between her shoulder blades, murmuring sweet nothings. He gripped her tighter each time she tried to break his grip. He was going to comfort her whether or not she liked it. She smelled live lavender and like him. Her body was still warm from the shower and he felt like she was his just from holding her, and the fact she smelled like him.  
Dean’s feelings for her were conflicted. He had always liked her, not in a sexual way, he just... liked her. Over the past few months he felt something more, now that he had seen her and knows, he is infatuated with her. It breaks him to think of her in pain, he breaks him to think of all the times he never noticed her breaking.  
“What do you need baby?” his voice was so low, his throat felt scratchy from the things he was trying to hold back.  
“I don’t know Dean!” she cried out. She twisted in his arms and wrapped herself around him like a vine. She rested her forehead in the crook of his neck and wept, her skin on his. Her hands were clutching at his shirt and her legs were wrapped snuggly around his hips.  
Dean returned her embrace and held her just as tightly while running his fingers through her hair and undoing her braid. “It’s okay, shhh” he held her till she was drained and exhausted. Till the thought of crying was tiring to her. Her grip loosed and her breaths became slow and even. She had fallen asleep in his arms. Carefully and quietly he untangled himself from her and placed her under the covers. He kissed her forehead before grabbing his keys and heading out. He needed a drink.  
“And where do you think you’re going?” Dean jumped slightly before closing the hotel door. Castiel was standing outside the hotel room with a scowl on his face.  
“I need a drink Cas,” Dean grumbled. He went to walk past the angle but Castiel placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back.  
“You don’t need a drink, you need her.” His voice was hard and stern.  
Dean rubbed a hand down his face and through his hair, “Look, Cas, can we not do this tonight. I’ve had a long day-”  
“Oh you’ve had a long day.” Cas said sarcastically. Over the years he had caught on, slightly, to human behavior. “She’s the one who’s had a long day,” he pointed angrily at the door.  
Dean tilted his head in confusion at the angle, was he trying to enforce something? “Wait, have you known? About this, about her, about what she’s done?” Dean felt his anger rising.  
“Yes, Dean I have known from day one.” Castiel's face became stone void of emotion.  
“And you didn’t try to stop it!” if Dean couldn’t protect her Cas could have, but he didn’t.  
“I know you don’t understand, but it was part of her fate-”  
“Her fate, was to slowly kill herself?” he roared. Dean was sick of fates, and destinies. All they’ve ever done is brought him death and misery.  
Castiel looked away in shame, “Dean she was destined to go down that path. If she didn’t she never would have met Bobby or you. And if she hadn’t met you-” Cas stopped talking before he reviled the rest of her fate. Although he was sure if Dean knew this one he wouldn’t change it.  
“If she hadn’t met me what,” Dean hissed out grabbing a fist full of Cas’s shirt.  
He thought about it for a minute, he would be in trouble if he told but he knew it wouldn’t change. “You needed to meet her in order for your heart to soften, to realize something’s in life. You needed to meet her so that you could love, not just her but others. So that you would consider people more. One day you will save a life because of her.” Dean let go of Cas and stumbled back.  
From the begging the angles decided he was to meet her and love her. From the begging of time she was supposed to do things to herself to prosper him. Dean felt sick. Her hurting herself was going to apparently make dean a better man. That he was not okay with. If they wanted him to be a better man they could have sent him back to hell, not ruin Lilia.  
Dean couldn’t look at Cas, is friend was just as worse as the other angles. “Tell me, whose life am I going to save exactly.”  
“Sam’s life.” Cas’s words were like ice shooting through Deans veins. He knew angles were dicks, but he didn’t know they could be so sick and twisted to let a girl do this to herself just to save a soulless body of Lucifer.  
Dean planned a whole bunch of shit things to say to Cas but when he looked up, the bastard was gone. So instead he stormed back into the room and slamming the door shut. He had forgotten his girl was sleeping and accidently woke her. that was a sleep she much needed and had only gotten maybe half an hour of.  
“Dean what’s wrong?” she kicked off the covers and went for her bag looking for her weapons. Oh no. she rummaged around but couldn’t find her knives. She froze. She knew he had taken them. She stood up straight rage boiling in her eyes.  
“Baby girl, I'm sorry. I didn’t know what to do-”  
“I don’t do it anymore! In case you haven’t noticed my scars are over ten years old. I haven’t put a blade to my skin in a long time and I don’t intend to now.” She was trying to be calm about this. He already knew about them so what’s the point in not telling him. “So, I would appreciate it if you could TRUST ME and give me my knives back.” Dean nodded and went to get them. an angry Lilia was one he didn’t like to see. He trusted her and he wanted her to know that. He didn’t really want to give them to her though. Every time he closed his eyes all he saw was her covered in blood with a knife clutched in her hand. He handed the leather wrapped blades over and she took them and put them back in her bag.  
She zipped her bag and stood up; placing her hands on her hips, “Now tell me what’s going on.”  
“Well I just spoke with Cas, and apparently the angles decided long ago that I was always supposed to love you to save my brother.” He left out the self-harm part and softening of his heart.  
Her eyes widened in shock and her lips parted a little. He just said he loved her. It must be a joke. He wouldn’t really say that. Dean only uses love when he talks about his mom or food. She felt wounded coming to the conclusion that it was a lie. “Are you drunk,” she snarled out. She once admitted to him she had a slight crush on him but that was years ago. So maybe he had been playing her these last few days. Some sick joke between him and Sam, maybe one of their stupid bets.  
“No I'm not drunk Lilia. If I say I love you then I fucking love you.” He growled out stepping closer to her. “Now whatever thoughts are going on it that pretty head of your need to stop. Because I hate seeing you sad and I hate when you cry because I want to cry.” More steps in her direction. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you but I swear to eradicate whatever hurt you. And your scars are the most wonderful thing I’ve seen. You are beautiful just the way you are and I do love you.” By now he stood right before her looking down on her pale face. Her eyes were wide as can be her shinning blue orbs sucking him in. When Cas said he was meant to love her, he just knew that he already did.  
Dean’s thoughts were broken when he felt her soft hands holding his. He squeezed back and watched her carefully. He didn’t know what he should do now.  
“I did this to myself because I didn’t feel loved. Because all I felt was hate towards myself. Because I did things I'm not proud of. Because fucking vampires.” She removed one of her hands and placed it on Dean’s face. He leaned in to the touch as he placed his other now empty hand on her waist. “But now, I am loved.”  
Dean kissed her palm and felt his ego grow at her little gasp. But he pulled away from her and dragged her down to the bed. They lay on their sides staring at each other as she spilled her life, as Dean nearly cried. She told him things she had never told anyone else. How it felt, how everything felt. She drew patterns in the sheets with her fingers as she spoke and Dean held her hand when it got hard for her to talk. He stayed silent never interrupting. This girl he had known for nearly five years was all he wanted. Now he knew what Sam had meant about being in love with Jess, how he couldn’t be with anyone else. Because this blue eyes porcelain fighter was everything he loved. He wasn’t one for feelings but he knew damn well what he felt for her.  
For hours she talked, and when she was done she let out a sigh. She felt as if the world was lifted off her shoulders. She had carried this secret with her forever and never told anyone. She trusted Dean so she told him. Soon she would tell Bobby and maybe Sam even though he wouldn’t care. Her heart felt light and her mind was clear, finally she was free.  
…  
They planned only to be gone for a few days but a few days had turned into a week. They stayed in the hotel room just eating fast food and watching football even though Dean disliked the sport he suffered through for her. The whole week there was no talk of the unnatural or of her cuts. There was nothing left to say about her scars and neither of them wanted to return to the world they came from. He learned her favorite color was cream and she was a Broncos fan. She learned that dean had a thing for flame details but would never put them on his baby. They made box macaroni once which they burned. It was a perfect week that neither of them wanted to end. But late Friday Bobby called and demanded they get off their ‘honeymoon’ and get there asses back home.  
“Are you sure you want to go back?” he asked her as he threw the rest of the bags in the trunk.  
She slammed the lid shut and wrapped her arms around him. Even though he said he loved her, in a romantic way, they still hadn’t done much more then occasional hand holding and sometimes falling asleep on the same bed. Dean was being respective of her and would let her come to him. Even though her goddamn swinging hips of hers were calling him. So this gesture of touching him was new and welcomed.  
“Sure, but…” she smiled up at him her smile as different a little mischievous. He knew what she was going to ask. “I want to drive her.”  
Dean grumbled and tried to ignore her puppy eyes and pouting lips. Sam’s puppy face always worked and Lilia only used her when she wanted the TV remote. She had used it a few times to get the keys but he never gave them to her.  
Dean let out a big sigh before placing a kiss on her forehead, “Whatever you want baby girl.”  
She smirked and snatched the keys from his pocket before prancing off to the driver’s seat. Dean went to his side and saw Cas standing on the other side of the road. Dean gave him a salute and Cas smiled back with one head nob before disappearing as a car passed.  
Dean got in the impala and before he even had the door closed she was slamming the gas. “Do you even have your driver’s license!” he shouted scrambling for his seat belt.  
She laughed before giving him an eye crinkling, toothy grin, “Nope.”

 

AN: ta-da. It’s hard for me to come up with a story about her past but if you have one you could fill in the blanks.


End file.
